I didn't get any reading done. Though I didn't have time or energy needed to read and digest a book, I didn't allow my mind to be uninspired. Luckily we live in a day and age in which there are other forms of media that can inspire us to think more clearly and live better lives.
When I realized I would be spending an enormous amount of time in my car, I headed for the library for a book on tape. I ended up checking out the audiobook Lessons of History by Will and Ariel Durant. Fascinating! Because I am a Christian, I try to build my worldview on the Bible. I believe it is the inspired word of God. At best the Durants were agnostic. Their worldview, or philosophy of life, was built on history. At some point the authors address all the major worldview questions including:
- What is prime reality (God, gods, material universe)?
- What is the nature of our external reality/the world around us?
- What is a human being?
- What happens to a person at death?
- What is the cause of evil and suffering?
- How do we know what is right and wrong?
- What is the meaning of human history?
There was a part of the tape that seemed to attack one of my core values. The Declaration of Independence asserts, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." Durant argues that we are not equal, nature loves inequality. He further asserted that freedom and equality cannot coexist. When I was young, I would have described myself politically as an anarcho-capitalist. I am still no fan of big government, but parenting a child with a developmental disability has made me re-think my political views.
"I wanted to understand why I could take my dreams and connect them to reality and make my dreams come true. What was different about my brother's brain such that he could not connect his dreams to a common reality and the instead became delusions?" ~ Jill Bolte Taylor in My Stroke of Insight (page 2)
My daughter was not created equal. While the US may be able to provide her equal access to education and training, she will not be able to utilize it to develop her talents or to pursue happiness. Counting on charity to assist her as an adult is unrealistic. Church-based organizations tend to see her behaviors as a sign of a sinful, unrepentant heart. Rather than helped by the church, she (and my ability to parent her) have been judged. Even secularist believe that she should just make better choices. There are times I want to tell her to just snap out of it. I have learned after years of being her primary caretaker that she cannot. Even the things she wants most in life, things she is motivated to get, are out of reach. I am no longer clear as to what I believe the role of "good" government should be. I don't know what I want it to do and what I don't want it to do. I still understand that government resources are scarce. I don't lose sleep over it, but neither do I believe a trillion dollar national debt is good for our country. I don't want to encourage an atmosphere of entitlements. Still, I know that as an adult my daughter will struggle to meet her basic needs. I would rather subsidize housing and provide job training and support to those people with demonstrated difficulty in adapting to our cultural expectations than some of the other things the government chooses to spend its money on.
In addition to the text of the book, the CD includes interviews with the Durants. I don't know if Ariel Durant was declining at the time of the interview or if she was just sitting back and allowing her husband to stand in the limelight. She talks very little. But, I was amused whenever she spoke up. I suspect she acted as her husband's gadfly throughout their entire marriage.
Then, after my daughter came home, she insisted that we watch a movie that she had seen while in the hospital. We rented The Boy in Striped Pajamas, the tale of an unlikely friendship between two 8-year old boys. One is the son of a commandant in a World War II concentration camp; the other is a young Jewish boy. The story ends in tragedy. I enjoyed this movie; however, I couldn't help but wonder if the book is not better. I found that some of the characters seemed poorly developed. Their back stories were left untold. I may have to read this book.
Finally, I rented a French documentary called Her Name is Sabine, the story of a woman with autism. I am not sure this film would have had the impact on me had it not been for my daughter's recent hospitalization. The video shows Sabine's life in her group home today intermixed with flashbacks to her life as a young woman. Her condition has obviously and tragically deteriorated. My daughter doesn't have autism, but many of her behaviors mimic those of people on the autism spectrum of disorders. The home movies of a young Sabine show a woman who is functional and talented. My daughter has days like that. But, those days get mixed up with days where anxiety, an altered mood and unclear thought processes result in odd and sometimes dangerous behaviors. As a mother, the days I chose to make a written record or a photographic memory are the good days. I wondered how functional Sabine really was a young woman. Having a video crew tape your every move obviously interferes with Sabine's normal, daily structure. I wondered how dysfunctional Sabine really is as an adult.
Sabine currently has a lot of tremors and she drools. While she was in the hospital, my daughter was started on Abilify to help control her moods. The first time I saw her after this drug was started I cried all the way home. She had tremors; she was drooling. Her gait was slow and deliberate. She looked almost like a toddler who had just learned to walk and had to think through how to accomplish that feat. This side effect is somewhat better. Before she came home, I talked with the staff at the hospital about my concerns. The medication time was changed so that it is now given at night. My daughter is asleep when the medication is first absorbed and the blood level of the drug is at its peak. She has another medication she can take to control the side effects when needed.
My daughter sees herself differently since the hospitalization. She identifies herself as a mentally ill person in need of help. Her fetal alcohol syndrome and mental illness have become a cave in which she can escape to and hide. She was hospitalized after a suicide attempt. She took a Tylenol overdose. I felt like I needed to get her help. But, my actions have caused a change. She is emotionally scarred. I wonder if I did the right thing. She didn't take enough Tylenol to cause any liver damage. Could I have taken her home and increased my supervision of her? Locked up all the medicine in our home? I might have done this if she was younger. She will be an adult in 6 months. I knew I couldn't protect her forever. This fall, I have enrolled my daughter in a Day Treatment School. She will be surrounded by peers with emotional and behavioral problems. What will she learn from her peer group?
Lori at When the Taptap's Movin' wrote a blog entry that has been stuck in my mind. The entry tells the tale of a boy whose father must rescue him from a hungry crocodile. It ends with a reporter asking to see the scars. "Then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, 'But look at my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too. I have them because my Dad wouldn't let go.'"
I am not planning to let go. Is there a way I can attenuate the harm done by "therapy?"
