The Unknown Sanctuary: A Pilgrimage from Rome to Israel
Perhaps many people will find my choice of book odd -- an out of print autobiography by Aimé Pallière, a 19th century Frenchman who ideologically left Catholicism and became a Noahide. He continued to take the Eucharist and participate in the life of the Catholic church despite the fact that:
"Do you believe in the real Presence, in the Sacrament , as the Church teaches it to you? I asked myself, and with implacable clearness I was forced to answer: No, I do not believe it. Do you believe in the incarnation, in the divinity of of Christ? No, I no longer believe it. I had at that moment an absolute emptiness. I felt with a sudden and amazing clarity that nothing of my Christian faith remained. "I have struggled with the concept of the Trinity. I heard a sermon recently in which the man sharing the gospel emphatically stated that Christianity only has one God, the Father. Then, there was confusing and convoluted logic about deity and divinity. I wondered how his explanation fit with the idea of the Theotokos, God-bearer. I wondered if this man like Aimé Pallière and myself has struggled to fit the trinity into their understanding of Shema Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Eḥad - Hear, O Israel: the Lord is our God, the Lord is One!
I had hoped in this autobiography to find a way to balance my own understanding of God with the teaching of the church. I didn't find it in this book. In a church where the members believe and confess the real presence of Christ in communion, there is no way I could sit by and dishonor their beliefs by participating in their church in that way. I have attended a Protestant Church all my life, most recently, my family and I have been attending a Baptist church. Our church's communion is open to everyone who confesses Jesus and the elements are considered symbolic. I do take communion. I teach Sunday school to preschoolers. There isn't much of a chance that I will need to discuss abstract concepts like the Trinity to my class of 4 to 6-year-olds. I am most comfortable describing God as one God who has acted in three ways in history -- as Creator/Father, the Spirit who enlightens the world and in his incarnation as Christ. I found myself standing silent as the rest of the church sang, "God in three persons, blessed Trinity." I am not at home.
One of Aimé Pallière's contemporaries and confidantes was Père Hyacinthe. I suspect I would agree most with him when he said of Jesus:
The chief reason why the Jews do not accept Christianity is that the latter departed from its origins in creating a God of secondary importance, as Justin Martyr said. And little by little, after having made Jesus equal to the Heavenly Father, have we not practically substituted him for the Heavenly Father? As to Jesus, there is still a difference between us concerning him. If I mistake not, he occupies a minor place for you, and even in this place is subject to much criticism. For me, Jesus remains a mystery which I cannot explain to myself, but he also remains an object of admiration and of love. I know him by the footprints, incomplete though they may be, that he has left on history, and also by the poetic radiance of his person, in the legends of his birth and of his death. I know him again by the profound effect that this enigmatic being has exercised over me, throughout the course of my life, and above all, since my priesthood. In order to detach myself from him I must renounce my very self, and have torn from me a large part, not only of my feelings, but of my mind, I was almost about to say my very flesh and blood. This is why I am a Christian despite the many reservations that I make, not only regarding Catholicism, but regarding Christianity itself. If I am mistaken God will come to the help of my weakness and my integrity. If Loetmol [Aimé Pallière wrote under the pen name Loetmol] is right on the subjects on which we differ, though they do not divide us, he will obtain for me a ray of the Shekinah. The gods, said the ancients, give to men only the light as they need for each day.
For me, Jesus remains a mystery which I cannot explain to myself ~
